1.) Use words that don't describe you in any way. Say you are a 700 lb female with three eyes and a fetish for little boys. Your screen name include words such as 'cute' and 'little' and 'angel', despite the fact you're the size of a dump truck and look like you stuck your face in a garbage disposal. It doesn't matter; nobody can prove the fact that the sight of you causes small pets to commit suicide. Over the internet, everything is anonymous. You can even download a picture of a hot naked porn star and say it's your picture and nobody can stop you.

2.) Incorporate your race into your name, unless you are white. If you are Asian, stick 'AzN' somewhere in your name so people will think you're the coolest person ever. If you're Scottish, throw in 'alcoholic.' If you're Mexican, nobody cares.

3.) Be sure to add random numbers to the end of your name. Sure, 'sexylilthang' is a creative screen name, but it's not creative enough. You should be 'sexylilthang598712561239' and 11/23. If anyone asks what the numbers at the end of your name mean, just explain that they're a mystery just like you. This will arouse anyone, including the Pope.

4.) Don't throw any diseases you have into your screen name. Having your screen name be 'herpes02' may seem like a good idea, but nobody will want to talk to you.

5.)It is also very important to use smiley faces in every occasion possible, otherwise nobody will understand you. If you are constipated, make sure to use the constipated smiley face to people can understand that you are, in fact, constipated and not spewing out random large words ('constipated' is a large word). By the year 2004, there will be an emoticon for everything, like if you are handcuffed to a ceiling fan and forced to be spun around and around while your mother is busy recycling your house pets. God bless technology.

6.)In this day and age, everyone has AOL Instant Messenger. Everyone. Even the Pope. That's why if you try to register the name 'The Pope' you can't because the Pope already has it and he will condemn you to eternal hellfire or something. I don't know exactly what he does as I'm not the Pope. He probably sits around all day in his Popecave using his Popecomputer waiting for people to try to message him. Then he condemns them to hell. I think that's what the Pope does, anyway. I'm no pope-ologist, but I know a thing or two about Catholicism, like they believe in that Jesus Moses Mohammed guy who saved the rainforest from demons in 1804 A.D or B.C. or something. I don't think he has instant messenger because he's too busy being dead.